Theme parks. Who doesn’t love them? Or hate them? Either you’re standing in line waiting for a ride, or you’re watching someone else standing in line. But really, it’s all a matter of perspective. Once you get past the wait times theme parks can be fun.
The imminent opening of Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge in Orlando got us thinking about resorts. Now that we have them on the brain here’s a few ideas we’d like to see realized.
1. Abandoned Mall Tours
There’s already a burgeoning fanbase for abandoned malls, whose scattered remains now sit like rotting tombstones across a large swath of America. Once a symbol of suburban excess, big box stores have been on the decline since the early 2000s. This has been exacerbated by the rise of online shopping.
Now that we’re out of the aughts and into the “anything from the 90s is nostalgic” era, may we suggest a modest plan for revival?
Leave an old mall looking like a time capsule to an earlier time, but turn it into a theme park. Put some trolly tracks in the hallway and ferry people along the aisles, while an announcer explains how much things have changed.
Add strange, off-kilter elevator music in the background to give everyone an existential crisis about their childhood.
2. A Theme Park—But in Space
One of these days when we finally get the technology to do it, we need to have a theme park in space.
Let’s be honest—most of us regular folk won’t be able to afford the astronomical cost to move to the stars. A resort might be more in the realm of possibility.
Maybe the creators of this fine, hypothetical space park could use a futuristic elevator to move people up there. Once on a space station, they could spend a week in sci-fi luxury while they float over Earth.
It could be a once in a lifetime experience. Literally. Even if you’re a guest it would probably be so expensive you couldn’t do it often.
3. Giant Animatronic Dragons
Speaking of large, sprawling theme-parks that probably cost a lot of money—what about a theme park filled with dragons? You know, something that would appeal to Game of Thrones fans, or anyone who loves fire-breathing lizards.
Maybe you could ride a dragon at this theme park. Imagine the merch. I mean, if they created dinosaurs for Jurassic Park, they can do it for this. You’d just have to figure out how to get those dragons airborne.
4. Living in a Hot Air Balloon
Reviewing IO: Last on Earth got me thinking about hot air balloons and what it would be like to live in one. What would it feel like to be floating 24/7? Where would you go, and what could you eat?
The steampunk genre has a perpetual love of airships, and before airplanes were a thing zeppelins were all the rage. This came to an abrupt end with the crash of the Hindenburg in 1937. Even still, people like to dream about airships. They still want to live among the clouds.
So what if this theme park was airborne? What if it was a large floating hotel that could travel from coast-to-coast?
Logistically this would probably be a nightmare, but if those logistics could be overcome it would be it an experience.
5. Live Beneath the Sea
You know what else would be fun? Lots of water. If you’re a fan of Jules Verne you’ll known about his now-ancient sci-fi novel Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.
There’s already been many variations on this “underwater” theme, complete with a ride in the Walt Disney theme park that ran for several decades. But what if you had an underwater resort that looked similar to Bioshock, or one of the worlds you see in Star Wars? What if you played up those steampunk themes for Twenty Thousand Leagues, and had a ship-turned-hotel that sat beneath the ocean?
Just, you know, keep that ship stationary and shallow. That way if anything goes wrong land is close by.
6. A Buffet for Days
Lastly, let’s get a theme park going for anyone who hates to turn down a meal.
The proposal: pay a fee to stay at a resort for forty-eight hours. After that, you have access to unlimited buffets for every type of food imaginable. The only goal is to eat whatever you desire. No lie, I would pay good money for this.
Enjoy Your Holiday
Now that we’ve sufficiently stuck our heads in the clouds, it’s time to get back to reality. Looking to plan an actual vacation? Here’s a list of nerdy conventions you should visit at least once.
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